The Dark Angel:
I am glad to see that you are creating your own patter, that is the first step to becoming creative and designing innovative effects on your own in the future.
Patter should be written like an English essay that you will hand in for a grade, except this grade is worth 1/3 - 1/4 of your entire average. Most people have 3-4 effects in a strolling set, your set is your year average for that group of people because chances are you will not see them again. If your set is your year average, that makes your effects your marks, and the entertaining part of magic should be 90% patter and 10% effect, which makes patter an integral part of getting a good grade - or in this case a great audience reaction.
Now let's try to dissect the different drafts we have of an essay.
1. List
2. Rough Draft
3. Revised Draft
4. Final Draft
What you have written above is what I personally would consider a very nicely made list as it is only two lines long. The next step is to make the rough draft; take your list, and make the patter for the entire effect based on the ideas in your list. The patter should cover the space of time from when the effect starts until the effect is finished if not slightly after that. The next step is revision of the patter, the greatest way to do so in my opinion is to do real world testing of that patter on close friends and family, and to do so you will need to learn and practice the method of the effect. After you have learned the method, go out and try out your patter on friends and family, after trying it out 3 times or so, I can almost guarantee that you will find something either wrong in your patter or something that you can improve on. When you have revised your patter (after about 10-15 "family" performances you should have most of the wrinkles out of your patter) you want to move onto your final draft. To do so just look at your revised draft, and just think about ways you can improve it as you are re-typing the final draft.
And now you are done! Congratulations! You have just created (most likely) very good and original patter for your effect which you will be able to use and remember for a lifetime.
If you spend about 5 days doing the above, I guarantee great results, if you are still having trouble with creating patter after 5 days, feel free to send me a PM and I will get back to you ASAP.
Good luck to you and your magic, stay creative, and most importantly have fun,
~Magically Dave